the minor fall and the major lift

the times, they are a-changing...

2008-02-06T12:23:00.000-05:00

sometimes, things happen that you aren't expecting. they are scary and strange and at the end of the day, they might just be the best thing to happen to you.

i'm leaving the place where i have been wasting my days for the last two and a half years. no more being trapped inside a concrete jail and banging on my cubicle walls with a starbucks cup. it wasn't my choice, but i'll be damned if i'm going to waste the chance to start over and find the path i was really meant for.

*

i'm going to start updating this space more often. i'm making it part of the new direction i'm heading in.

on the radio: medicine man - the hush sound

in orbit (ramblings of a cluttered heart)

2007-12-18T15:48:00.002-05:00

sometimes, i write fiction. this is a piece of it.

*

in orbit (ramblings of a cluttered heart)

soon afterwards, on streets from elsewhere, you and i return on the darkened road. inside the building, the stairs to your room are uneven and creak with every step we take. the door hinges squeak and weak light slices across the dull wood floors. we fall across the bed and under us the frame is warped and cracked. you sing a love song, sweet, slow, and sad, bass notes rumbling in your chest. when i run my hands over your jaw the skin is smooth like marble. across my spine, your fingers play a melody and it's as if my skin was tuned only for you.

lay your body's light and weight on me. bury your hands in my tawny red earth hair, i can be your anchor in this deep green sea. the caress of lips through our glimmer, warm and wide. close above me, your cheekbones and eyes, slowly hot and softly they kill. unhurried, we kiss, inescapable as breathing. i struggle against the press of your hands on my hipbones, trapping me between the sheets and you. you let your body shield me from the world and inside this cocoon, we are the only people that exist.

from the first moment, we were a collision of Venus and Mars. you were pale and lithe, with clever words and a well of infinite patience, and standing still in the wake of my maelstrom. and me, with a liar's smile, red hot and ready for the fight, tooth and nail, bruised and bloody. but you caught me, hand circling my wrist and gave me leave to push and pull until i understood the rhythm you were trying to create.

in cities i have never lived in, in places i have never seen, i wonder if i will find you there. separateness grips me in a flash and i want to cry out, 'when you catch me, where will we fall'? when we are apart, i think I might be better off alone. now that i have had you, held your head in my lap and heard your songs, i am scared that i would fray at the seams if you walked away from me.

a nauseous dread gripped me in my sleep. a dark and lonely watcher stood behind me in my dreams and whispered in my ear. this union is doomed. it will wither and die and leave you bloodless and broken on a dirty street corner. i could see you standing in arms reach, but i could not touch you. i stretched and strained, but there was nothing i could do.

your hand is cool on my feverish cheek and i try to breath again. my throat is raw from the scream that escaped me and the pillowcase is striped with sweat. our faces are close, foreheads touching and under your thumb, my pulse thumps and stutters, still caught in sleeping terror. you start to hum, a half formed melody and i can exhale, my heart in my mouth.

on the radio: helena - my chemical romance

in spanish, it's esperanza; in french, espoir

2007-11-05T00:35:00.000-05:00

do you ever get the feeling you're moving backwards with every forward step you take? sometimes i wonder if my life is going in reverse. i'm worrying about homework and deadlines for papers and deciding whether i can afford to go out drinking on the weekends while other people i know are buying houses and having babies. it's frustrating to feel like i'm always one step behind.

but then i go to a show and see someone perform that is truly an inspiration to me and i remember that every step i've taken has lead me to this place, this moment. and all i can do is hope. i will write and sing and perform and try not to let myself get overwhelmed by all the things that are going on.

all i can do is hope that i have made the right decisions. all i can do i hope that i will succeed and for once, this once, the things that i want so badly will happen to me (us) and we will have everything we dreamed of and talked about. all i can do is hope that we can hang onto to each other and ourselves. all i can do is hope is that i'll get to thank him (them) for being the voice in my ear and the soundtrack of my most important summer (fall, year).

all i can do is hope.

all we can ever do is hope.

on the radio: hallelujah - jeff buckley

it's a million little things

2007-09-14T15:20:00.000-04:00

the state of the state, as it is.

school:

has started. wow, i forgot what actual, honest-to-god homework is like. there are like, books to read and due dates and things. it was a little overwhelming to realize that i have obligated myself to read books i wouldn't normally read and watching movies and thinking about them critically, rather than for pure enjoyment. that's going to take some getting used to. but overall, it'll be good for me. deadlines for school will force me to meet deadlines in real life too. procrastination is a word that will have to be banished from my vocabulary.

ink:

done.

it hurt like a motherfucker, i'm not going to lie. but i love it. and i want another one now. (addictive personality much?)

lessons of the musical kind:

lessons are...on hold temporarily. my teacher and i are attempting to work out a new schedule, but have not come to a decision yet. i need to practice more, a lot more. who knows when or if i'll even be able to play in public. but playing in private will make writing easier.

i need to get in touch with my voice teacher this week too. oh my god, if i make it through this semester without dying, i will be impressed.

super secret project:

is going v. well. better in fact, than i thought it would be at this point. there are still things that need to get ironed out. location is going to be a problem soon, since we are scattered across the country - ny, ca, ma - and can only work via e-mail. but for now, we are moving along.

there was actually a great moment yesterday. lux and i were working on something and we both went, "oh my god, this is really happening." which is both scary and exciting because we want this to work so badly.

(by nature, i am a pessimist, but i'm trying to only think about the positives these days. maybe it'll actually work this time.)

life in general:

is good. the bf's long distance love isn't so distant, but you know what they say - something gained, something lost - yeah. the boy is feeling better, sorting through his issues, just like all the rest of us. c is on a new path in life. a path that seems to leading down the same road as lux and i. so we're kind of a team, the three of us. (c is the single most motivated person i know. when she sets her mind to something, it usually happens. i'm hoping her good luck will rub off on us.) my macbook is still my favorite toy, although it is far too tempting when i should be doing other things. got tickets to a couple of shows in november that will be amazing and possibly life-changing.

on the radio: i still remember - bloc party

a harmonic connection between all living things

2007-08-16T23:51:00.000-04:00

music. it's everything.

sometimes, i turn on a song, close my eyes and just listen. the backbeat of the drums, the thrum of the bass, the slide and burn of the guitar, the fluid movement of the piano, and the buzzy heat of the vocal all come together and you can feel in your entire body. from the tips of your fingers to the way your heart syncs in time, you can get completely lost inside it. it's like every perfect thing wrapped up and tied with a red satin bow. to me, there is nothing in the world better than that.

there's a song for everything. every mood, every feeling, every person, every situation has music, has rhythm and lyrics. it might not be obvious, but it's there in each heartbeat and every word you say. life is made up of tiny symphonies.

no matter where i go or what i'm doing, there's music. in the background (and foreground) of each moment there is melody, no matter if it's from an ipod, a computer, a radio, or from me, it's there. (i am constantly humming and singing under my breath. i have no idea i'm doing it most of the time and it drives my nearest and dearest crazy.) i don't know how to live without that constant presence around me.

the power of music amazes me. it can bring a stadium full of strangers to their feet and have them all moving together, feeling the same thing in that single moment. and it's a moment that can never be duplicated again, it's singular and free standing in time and in your memory forever. and the rush of being in that moment is so heady that you can forget to be self-conscious, you can just be.

there is really no rush like watching 15,000 people sing and scream and clap and jump in unison. and if it's that amazing from the audience, i can't possibly fathom what it must be like on the other side. to stand on a stage and know that something you wrote, that you sang, effected and moved so many people. it must be the most amazing feeling ever.

and as i watched that happen, i realized something.

i want that. i want to see that happen. not because i want the power or the fame, but i want to make people feel the way i felt last night. i want to stand in front and have people scream my own words back at me. i want to pay something back to all the music that inspired me by making my own.

wow. it's totally true. he really does save lives. hopefully someday, i'll be able to thank him in person.

on the radio: tonight, tonight - panic! at the disco, jolene - ray lamontagne, disenchanted - my chemical romance

tornados in brooklyn

2007-08-08T21:06:00.000-04:00

no, seriously. there was a tornado in brooklyn this morning. perhaps you missed the complete disaster that was the nyc subway system? well, lucky you then. i spent two and a half hours on a city bus trying to get to work because the subways were flooded. at least we had air conditioning. if not, i might have lost my mind. and possible five pounds of water weight. i can't decide which i would have been better.

status updates:

not going to the reunion. i have other things more useful to spend my money on than a plane ticket home. i do want my stuff from the time caspule. i wonder if someone can get it for me?

the show last week went very well. better than i think anyone expected, including me. i just had that moment where you forget everything else and you just do it. it was kind of amazing. i hope i can keep that feeling for whatever comes next.

i have now learned seven open chords on the guitar. if only my tiny, stupid fingers would behave and go where i want them to.

also, i started to work on something for the super secret project. the super secret project that now has a name (!!) and a couple of other things. this thing could be big and amazing and the more i think about it, the more excited i am for it to get really rolling.

one of my bf's is having a long distance love affair. there's a rather helpful catch all post at this blog for those of you who are out of the loop. as a life long cynic, i was a little worried about this but it seems to be coming along rather nicely. if he's happy, i'm happy. the fizzy happiness of new love is such an interesting thing.

next weekend i am going to get a new tattoo. i found a place i like and i think i might drag the people down to the lower east side to check it out this weekend. i'm still a little torn about the design. i know i want stars, maybe in a cluster, maybe in a trail or something. i'm tempted to draw a sketch on myself with marker and see what i like and don't. at least the marker will wash off.

this time next week - we'll be at the projekt revolution show in jones beach. needless to say, i am looking forward to the show and my chemical romance most of all.

on the radio: julia - the beatles

the stars have aligned

2007-07-31T15:31:00.000-04:00

my horoscope -

Leo (July 22 - Aug 22): You've arrived at the re-create-yourself-from-scratch phase of your cycle. To celebrate, I've gathered three apt pieces of advice for you to scrawl on a piece of paper that you'll put under your pillow.
(1) "Almost everything comes from almost nothing." —Henri-Frédéric Amiel.
(2) "The best way to predict your future is to create it."—Peter Drucker.
(3) "Leap and the net will appear."—Zen saying.

never has astrology been more appropriate.

**

show tonight. feeling good about it now, but i know nerves will kick in later. practiced guitar this weekend until my fingers ached so bad i couldn't press down on the strings. i know it will all be worth it in the end. lux and i kicked around more ideas this morning that were awesome. now we just need to finish the ones we've already started. december gets closer every day.

i'm tempted to write that advice in permanent marker some place i'll always be able to see it.

on the radio: the ghost of you - my chemical romance

summertime in the city

2007-07-27T15:41:00.000-04:00

it is icky and sticky in new york today. these are the days i miss dry heat. humidity is the bane of my existence, i swear.

i have been working on the songs i'm going to be singing at the cabaret club on tuesday night. i seemed to have picked a really challenging set of songs for myself. still hurting (the last five years) is going fine - i've done it before, so i'm pretty familiar with it. nothing (a chorus line) is proving to be more complicated than i thought it would be. it's got those speaking parts in the middle that i just cannot seem to memorize in the right order. plus, my director is having me do it more speak-sing and that's always been hard for me. of course, the toughest one by far is defying gravity (wicked). there is just something about that song. it's so intimidating and i backed out of singing it once before. maybe it's because idina menzel's version is so damn recognizable and it's one of those songs you have to completely give into in order to make it work. i don't know. i know i can do it. i sing it at home just fine. it's when i get it in front of people that it seems to fall apart. i guess i just have to stop listening and worrying about what i sound like and just sing it.

and there are a lot of people coming to the show this time, more than usual, so i'm feeling a little bit of added pressure to be extra good. but i know ultimately, i'll be fine. more than fine, i'll be great. no matter what, i always seem to pull things out of the fire at performance time. hopefully, this won't be any different.

my new macbook is a thing of joy. i've been using it the last few nights and it's so nice to be able to curl up on the couch and still check my e-mail or whatever. once i get all my music transferred over, i'll be a happy girl.

thanks to some amazon gift certificates, i'm ordering a keyboard that is garageband compatible. trying to do anything with the trackpad and that little on screen keyboard is a nightmare. there are four or five melodies that i've recorded on to my ipod that i'd like to get in there so i can play around with them and see what can go with what. i'm kind of excited to see what i can come up with.

also, in order to register for classes, i have to get a meningitis vaccination. um, is that really such a problem in new york these days? kind of freaks me out, i have to admit. i had to call my mom and see if she could track down my other vaccination records as well (which she did, thank god). besides money, that seems to be the only thing standing in the way of getting my schedule for the fall together. once that's set, i'll see how rehearsals for 'la ronde' are going to fit in with everything else.

i suppose i should get used to not sleeping. again. ever. or at least until december.

on the radio: sweet tangerine - the hush sound

the more things change, the more they stay the same

2007-07-25T16:35:00.000-04:00

i have been getting all these things for my high school reunion next month. in the snail mail, in e-mail, from stupid classmates.com, on myspace. i can't escape it, no matter where i turn.

part of me wants to go out of sheer horrifying curiously, but another part of me wants to throw all of it in the circular file, hit delete, and never think about it again. i mean, i didn't like 80% of those people when i sat next to them in english class, so why the fuck would i like them any better now? yeah, people change. i did, obviously. but honestly, the people that i knew from high school that i wanted to keep in my life, i have. that in and of itself is a pretty big accomplishment considering now far i ran to get away from those people.

now, if i had suddenly grown about 8 inches, a size two, and was dating jake gyllenhaal, i'd be booking the plane tickets right now. because there is a part of me that still wants to be that girl that everyone loves to hate.

it's weird, that. i was talking to c on the train last night about this guy we both know who has a band at home and we used to be reasonably tight with everyone it in and they are playing a show the saturday night of the reunion weekend. another old friend of our lives in seattle and she was like, "wouldn't it be the most hysterical thing ever if we got s to come down and meet us and we all just went to the show together? the looks on their faces would be priceless." and they totally would be. and i would revert right back to that girl i always was to them - the one who liked to stir up the shit and be the queen bitch in the room. don't get me wrong, i still have no problem doing that, but that's not all i am anymore.

when i was younger, i thought i was better to have people hate you rather than be indifferent to you. and you know what, that is *a lot* of work. there were always battles to be fought and controversy to be caused and i do not have the energy to do that kind of shit anymore. living in new york city teaches you lots of important things and one of them is to pick and choose your battles. and picking at old wounds from high school is not one of them. they have their lives in our hometown (i might have grown up, but i am not a saint - i'm still a judgemental bitch.) and i have mine.

in new york city.

where i might not be rich, famous, or powerful.

but i'm working on it.

on the radio: misery business - paramore

they say it's your birthday

2007-07-24T15:13:00.000-04:00

it's that time again.

i usually spend my birthday in maudlin contemplation and this year is shaping up to be no different. except this year i am doing it from behind a desk, as i am covering for someone who is out on vacation.

i used to set goals - do this before you're 21, this before you're 25, etc. but of all those times, i don't think i've actually done what i set out to do in the time i wanted. i spend years thinking, "oh, there will be time for that later." but later is almost here. and i want (need) to stop waiting and just start doing.

so, i am. school, guitar, republic, work, voice, and the other thing. the big thing that if lux and i have our way could be the biggest of all. (of course, that also requires luck and a whole lot faith in ourselves and other people, some of which we haven't even met yet.) and as a person whose time management skills leave something to be desired, i wonder if i can keep all the balls in the air. because if one drops and i have to walk away, will that be the one that goes further and faster and i'll be left behind again? one of life's eternal questions, i suppose.

in any case - happy birthday, self.

on the radio: breathing deep - 504 plan